Bags packed. Car loaded. Accommodation in sight. Moving your child to uni can be a whirlwind of packing and unpacking. In all the chaos, you don’t always predict what comes next.
Empty nest syndrome: the tsunami of complicated emotions that can spring from a child leaving home. According to the Welsh government, there could be as many as four million people feeling the effects of empty nest syndrome in the UK. That’s a lot of mums and dads feeling lost without their kids.
It’s something few people talk about, though the grief is very real. Below, we’ll discuss what empty nest syndrome is, its stages, and how you might find meaning while your child is away.
What is empty nest syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome is the feeling of sadness, grief, or loss that parents experience when their children leave home, often for university. This can range from a vague sense of confusion to deep sorrow, and in some cases can trigger mental health conditions such as depression.
Some parents are surprised to feel such strong emotions. But after 18 years of caring for another person, perhaps we shouldn’t be shocked it’s hard. Chef Gordon Ramsay has shared his experiences with empty nest syndrome, adding that he was shocked to feel so ‘gutted’.
The sharp-lipped TV star said he felt that his ‘best mate had left.’ It’s a feeling many parents will relate to. What’s more, empty nest syndrome is influenced by changing norms.
Almost half of British 18-year-olds now go to uni. According to UCAS data, 316,850 18-year-olds applied to go to university or college in 2024. That’s the second-highest figure on record, representing 41.3% of the nation’s new adults.
In the 1990s, this figure was just 19%. That‘s according to the European University Institute. This means our children may be more than twice as likely to fly the nest at 18 compared to us.
Way back in the 1950s, only 3% of British teenagers went to university. Many people stayed at home until they married.
Before the 20th century, multi-generational living was common. This meant that, in some cases, children never moved away.
All this means more teenagers fly the nest. They do so earlier and more suddenly than in previous generations, moving further away in the process. For some parents, empty nest syndrome can be the result.
Why does empty nest syndrome happen?
Empty nest syndrome is thought to happen as a natural reaction to life’s transitions – as you move from being a full-time caregiver to the post-parental stage. It can be more common once your last child leaves home, but sometimes it impacts parents with younger children too.
We’re all proud to see our children go to uni, but this can come with a mix of emotions. Sometimes, we feel guilty for experiencing this sadness. Yet grief is a natural reaction when relationships change, especially with our children.
Empty nest syndrome can arise due to a range of emotional triggers, such as:
A sense of lost purpose. Many years spent cooking, cleaning and carting children between school and their hobbies can shape our sense of purpose. When this work disappears, we may feel a sense of loss – even if we know it might return with the Christmas laundry.
Changed daily routines. Maybe you have breakfast with your daughter each morning before work. Or watch sport with your son most weekends. With a child leaving home, this could change. It may leave us with time to fill and fewer anchors in our day-to-day lives.
Feelings of loneliness. A friendly face in the kitchen. Someone to vent to after a long day. When your kids leave home, these small interactions disappear. This can leave us feeling lonely, even if we still have a partner.
The empty nest syndrome experience is more common in mothers than fathers, but dads can experience it too. You also might find you miss your daughter more than your son, or vice versa. Every relationship is unique, as is the way we react to big changes.
Stages of empty nest syndrome
Initial shock or grief
This might arrive on the day you move your child to uni. Or it may start to set in a few days before. Some people feel the shock set in when they return home and notice their child’s bedroom is empty. These feelings may be normal, as you react to the big change.
Adjustment to the new reality
The middle stages of empty nest syndrome can be more bittersweet. As the weeks and months progress, you might still miss your son or daughter. But you may also start to adjust to your new reality. This could mean you feel a sense of freedom, or simply less intense grief.
Finding new routines and purpose
Later, your sense of identity and purpose may shift. You’ll replace parenting-based routines with new routines – work, hobbies, even romance – and begin a new chapter in your life.
How long does empty nest syndrome last?
Empty nest syndrome can be different for everyone. Its progression is as unique as every parent’s relationship with their child. How long it lasts may depend on factors such as:
The other routines in a parent’s life
Other family members in a household
How strong the bond is between a parent and child
You might find empty nest syndrome feels strongest for a few weeks or months, before fading into more subtle feelings. But some sadness and nostalgia may last for years.
Coping with empty nest syndrome
Learning to cope with your new reality can make empty nest syndrome easier to live with. In time, you might even figure out how to move beyond it. Some people come to thrive in their empty nest, enjoying benefits such as more space, privacy and me-time.
The key to coping can lie in acceptance. With your child leaving home, things will change. But it’s not an ending, and there may be benefits. To cope best with your new reality, you could:
Stay connected with your son or daughter. Just because they’ve moved away, doesn’t mean you can’t keep regular contact. But you might need to carve out new ways to stay connected. Try a weekly phone call or regular messages. You might even plan a visit to their new university city or schedule a weekend at home.
Focus on yourself. Alone time can feel disorientating, especially after 18 years of hands-on parenting. But it may bring benefits too. Try reinvesting time into hobbies, your career or social activities. That project you’ve wanted to start for years? Now could be the time.
Strengthen your other relationships. If you have a partner, your empty nest can bring a fresh focus on each other. This could lead to renewed romance. Friends can also provide support as you adjust.
Seek support. You probably have friends or relatives who have been through a similar thing. Try talking to them about your experiences. If your symptoms are severe or ongoing, you might also look for professional support from a therapist or your GP.
The importance of maintaining balance in your relationship
When your child moves away to begin student life, it can help to strike a balance. On the one hand, you want to keep in contact. But on the other, gaining independence can be an important part of their journey. It’s what makes uni life so valuable.
To get the balance right:
Give them space at the beginning. Fresher’s Week can be a whirlwind of new faces and experiences, from lectures to student societies. Allow your child to settle in before scheduling any visits.
Let them take the lead. Every student is different. Some may thrive in their newfound independence, while others may feel homesick. Try to respond to their state of mind.
Schedule events together. You don’t meet in the kitchen each morning, but your relationship can still stay strong. Planning ahead can help you to tick this box, giving you both something to look forward to. It might also help you avoid the urge to show up unannounced. Think about a monthly shopping trip, sporting away day or seasonal holiday. Your child may be enjoying their independence, but they’ll probably appreciate the treats you can offer all the same.
Finding positives in your new chapter
Finally, try to remember the positives of your empty nest. Your newfound freedom can bring many benefits. You may have more time and opportunity to focus on yourself. Just as your child blooms into uni life, you may learn to thrive in your own independence. This can be a time of growth for both parents and children, offering the chance for a more mature relationship.
Your next chapter might include things like:
New hobbies. You could finally have the time to join a crochet club or take up the guitar. We pour a lot of ourselves into our children, so an empty nest allows us to focus on old and new passions.
Home renovation projects. With a teenager-free home, you might finally have the time to tackle that dream renovation project.
Travel. It can feel good to finally follow your own path. You could try camping for the first time. Or visit far-flung destinations.
Career development. This could be the perfect time to bag that promotion or try something new. Focusing on work could help to distract you, providing a new sense of purpose.
Community involvement. If you’re a natural nurturer, you can turn this tendency into a force for good. Look into volunteering opportunities in your local community or try your hand at charity work.
A new pet. Can’t shake the urge to care for something? Consider welcoming a furry friend into your home.
Embracing the opportunities can make your grief more manageable. Plus, your new reality may not last forever. Before long, you could find yourself helping to move your child out of their student accommodation. When it comes to big decisions and life events, your support could be as in-demand as ever.
The reality? Your newfound peace might just end with the semester.
